You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize