Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
