I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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