Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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