nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
