just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
be right there i have to get my cape
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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