I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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