Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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