dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
