please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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