I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
