You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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