I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
