In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
