im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
