No stitches, just platelets and will power
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
