So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you will always have a special place in my vag
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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