Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
ttyl tear gas
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
