Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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