Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
