I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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