apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
