it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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