I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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