Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
