and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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