Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
