I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
