I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
