I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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