Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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