Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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