It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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