Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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