Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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