I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
