I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
