have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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