My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
