it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
