Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I stole a fireplace last night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
