I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
