I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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