sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
