i need an iv and a liver transplant
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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