Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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