I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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