I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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