Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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