Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
