we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
