A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
