Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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