My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Randomize
