Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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