some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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