her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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