I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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