My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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