You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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