my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your cock deserves a montage
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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