the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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