i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize