Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
