FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
