There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
