did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
