I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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