It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize