Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
