Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
