i wish starbucks made bloody marys
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
