I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize